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I do, do I?

During our pre-marital counseling we were asked by the speaker why do we think people get married. Below are some of the answers.

1. Love
2. Companionship
3. Religious Beliefs
4. Tradition
5. Security/Money
6. Family Pressure

Since we had a different story. Our answer was also different.

I am married for a year now but my husband and I used to be live in partners for almost 5 years because we had a kid. When I got pregnant, some people said we should get married and some said don’t. It has been a long debate but we made our stand that we will not get married just because we had a baby.

We keep on waiting until the right time comes. But seriously though, what was that thing that we were waiting for?

June of 2012 we have come to know Christ. July of 2012 we finally tied the knot (Yay!).

Our reason why we did? Because we decided to follow Him and stop sinning,

For most “righteous” men, tradition is the key: Friendship, Courting, Dating, Engagement, Wedding and Kids.

But half of those traditional couple still end up in divorce. Why? Let’s focus on our top 6 reasons on why people get married.

6. FAMILY PRESSURE

I don’t know why this is still effective nowadays. But this issue isn’t new in the Philippines since we used to be a “conservative” country. I remember stories like when parents see their daughter holding hands with a guy they would insist the guy to marry their daughter in an instant or else be ready for bloodbath.

One thing the elderly should know, pressuring your kids to do something they do not want 100% especially marrying someone because you asked them to will not assure them happiness and satisfaction. There is no trial and error in marriage. Once you said I do, it’s gonna be I do forever.

5. SECURITY/MONEY

In some culture this has been a well known practice to keep the wealth within the family.Tradition is called fixed marriage. Parents would fix their kids to their business partner’s kids and even have a legal contract.

But for some people wealth is their key to success.

I am no psychologist. I may not have the right evaluations and all but one thing is for sure, people who marry because of money are the people who doesn’t want to go through life’s difficulties. Who wants to marry someone who isn’t going to be with you trough your lows in life anyways?

Even the rich ones have to go trough challenges and they would want someone who will stand by them when there is pain and rejection.

4. TRADITION

Friendship, Courting, Dating, Engagement, Wedding and Kids.

For people who think so little, this might be their reason why they got married.

I’m not saying this is wrong. This is the most ideal way that one should go through in life. I’m not gonna lie but if only I could turn back time I would have done it the traditional way too but see, God has a purpose.

All I want to point out is, were your intentions pure before you got married? Are you physically pure before you said I do? Or you just want to look down on people who had their mistakes?

Well I got news for you, Tradition will not save your marriage.

It is not how you did it but there is this thing we call purity of the mind, body, heart and soul.

Remember don’t be judgmental just because you think you started right and that you sin differently from others. It is more important to finish well.

3. RELIGIOUS BELIEFS

There are about 21 religions in the world but there is only one God. He made the sacrament of marriage for man and woman to obey and not to make fun of. The New York Times said,

“Marriage has become a status symbol — a highly regarded marker of a successful personal life.”

Is that what your platinum wedding ring means? Probably.

Marriage is created by God but it seems that humans are re-writing it. People who get married and divorce do not have God in them. Whatever your reason for divorcing your partner is not valid. A pastor once said there is nothing that God cannot fix in marriage (or in anything). Those foolish reasons like “irreconcilable differences” only means that both of you has full of pride and wouldn’t want to compromise.

Someone once said to my face that he never believes in marriage. For him marriage is just paper, nothing more. Maybe I just don’t want to argue with someone who has a hard heart that day but if ever he says that again I would probably give him something to remember.

It’s probably because he doesn’t believe in God but he elaborates that all the people he knows who are married end up in separation or divorce. This is where the part that this blog comes in. What was their reason for getting married? Do they have God in them? Who’s steering the ship?

An issue was also brought up during our counseling. If you are a Filipino you’re probably familiar with the term “pikot”. Pikot is when parents of the bride-to-be forces the guy to marry their daughter. So this was the issue brought up and one of the attendees told us the story that a friend of hers doesn’t really wanted to marry the girl that the groom even got drunk on his wedding day. To make the story short, she told us that the wedding pushed through , the couple have kids now but the guy is still not in love with the girl and wishes to get out of the marriage.

Ptr. George Ngan said to us, God will not allow something bad to intervene His work — meaning marriage. If God allowed that wedding to push through it just proves that they are meant for each other and divorce is not an option.

If you are thinking “then why is God allowing divorce” that’s a whole different story and that requires a different write up.

I know my friend who recently got married had all the reasons why they shouldn’t push through the wedding day but still did because love for God is powerful than any storm or problem.

Remember not to focus on the wedding day alone and all the rituals that go with it but focus on the days, weeks, months and years after. It is not the wedding that is important, it is the marriage.

Mark 10:9

“Let no one split apart what God has joined together.”

2. COMPANIONSHIP

Everyone is probably afraid to grow old alone and be found in his house dead after several weeks because he got nobody beside him.

Should this be enough reason to get married?

Ptr. Peter Tan-Chi gave Tom Cruise as a perfect example in his message last Sunday. Tom married Mimi Rogers and got divorced. Married Nicole Kidman and got divorced. Married Katie Holmes and got divorced.

Was Tom happy? I don’t think so either. He probably thought that having someone beside you is enough to be happy. But remember only God can give us true happiness.

We tend to seek people and not God.

If you think marriage will make you happy, you are terribly wrong.

The reality of marriage is sad. You will see all the flaws in your partner. You become open to each other that even farting is not on silent mode anymore. But the good news is being married to someone who believes in God will make your union filled with so much blessings.

1. LOVE

By now you know what should be your major reason to get married. And it isn’t L-O-V-E.

Sure, you must love the person before you decide to get married. But love alone is not enough.

Love is an action word but most of the time we associate love with how we feel. Emotions are not accurate. It’s like today I so love my skin because I got a full 8 hours of sleep but when I don’t I feel worse and hate that I look like a zombie.

How we feel should not define how we should do in life. Emotions are not stable and you can even convince yourself how you want to feel tomorrow. Joel Osteen even wrote that in his book, Everyday a Friday.

Love comes first but it wears off.

You can find the real meaning of love in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7. If you disagree with the bible then what you feel is probably the “in-love effect”.

Gary Chapman wrote in his book, The 5 Love Languages, that being in-love is the necessary foundation for a good marriage. But the problem is faulty information.

“The bad information was the idea that the in-love obsession would last forever.”

“Once the experience of falling in love has run its natural course (remember, the average in- love experience lasts two years), we will return to the world of reality and begin to assert ourselves.”

Perfect example of what happens when we associate love as just an emotion. We believe everything that we feel.

Marriage is a continuous work. If you are lazy, do not engage in it. If you believe that being married will make you happy and complete, don’t get married.

Married life will bring you grey hair and wrinkles, but marrying for the right reason will make those flaws look good even if you are old but you still hold hands while watching your grand kids play in your backyard.

A blessed life is all we need in this lifetime. Nothing more, nothing less.

-N

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