I was abruptly quiet yesterday of all days. It’s Valentine’s Day and the world is full of flowers and reds and chocolates and kisses and Mike and I are fighting. Well to be fair, we have been fighting a lot lately for some of my selfish reasons which the Lord has been disciplining me.
For the past 2 years straight, Mike has been very constant on throwing me a surprise during Valentine’s but instead this year he totally gave me the snob! As I went down the stairs yesterday morning, he just looked at me and said ‘good morning’ and went on checking his phone. Well I haven’t had my coffee so just imagine how I almost wanted to throw words at him. I kept quiet the whole day and he went on with his and even scheduled a meeting and went home later than usual. Still no flowers, no hugs, no ‘Happy Valentine’s Babe.’ So I decided to be be hostile calling it a night and I even slept in the kids’ room thinking my husband doesn’t love me anymore. I know! Drama queen right here!
I know it was God who fixed my heart today that I got the courage to open up to Mike about how I felt. I asked him why he’s being cold to me and told him that it’s not that I wanted a grand gesture but a sweet greeting and some cuddles are not that bad. But I swear as I was saying this out loud, a voice inside me is convicting me with a lot of things!
Mike on the other hand explained his side. He felt like yesterday didn’t feel right. He felt like if he became mushy it’s like forcing himself to engage on what the society wants us to do. He revealed that he purposely made me feel bad yesterday because he planned on giving me and our daughter something later that night. Unfortunately, he said, God Himself made it impossible for him to pursue his plan likewise convicting him of being “wordly.”
I realized a few things about myself and about the things I want my kids to learn from me as I sort things out with my husband this morning…
Let’s not be selfish.
I made it clear to Mike how much I like celebrating occasions and I know that my husband loves me enough to spoil me each day of every year so a friend of mine told me why can’t I let this one pass. Perhaps I have been too spoiled that all I can think of is my own happiness. Wanting to forcefully celebrate Valentine’s is no different when your child wants this ridiculous overpriced toy that you keep denying her because it is just isn’t right. If Mike respected my feelings over holidays, I should respect his feelings over not wanting to celebrate all the time too -my friend added.
Let’s not be entitled wives/girlfriends.
The best thing about having a discipleship group is that you get accountability–meaning someone is always ready to give you a slap in the face when you needed it the most. My friend reminded me of the word ‘entitlement.’ Honestly, and with sweaty palms, as I am really covered in shame of admitting this to the public, I have been acting like a spoiled brat to my husband lately. I know in my heart that even though my husband cannot always fill my love tank, I should never in any circumstance disrespect him. I have been blaming him of being cold towards me, for being busy at work, but I never looked at myself really. How was I serving him lately? Was I rolling my eyes at him when he forgets to sort our clothes? Did I nag him for not doing a chore even though he’s super tired from work?
I was so busy setting high expectations that I forgot to check myself if I’m doing what is expected of me as his noble wife.
Let’s not be high maintenance.
This kind of does sound a lot like entitlement but I realized that this is something that I want my daughter to learn from me. I know early on in our relationship Mike called me out for being high maintenance and although it hurt me, I knew there was truth in that. As I have come to know Christ, I thought I was doing such a great job being simple and humble but I guess we can never accomplish perfection in this world. So what if there are people in this world who don’t like celebrating or giving gifts? So what if your husband forgets it on that exact date but makes up for it? Are we really being fed by our physical desires that we forgot to care for another person’s need?
Mike even suggested that we should reverse roles for a change! If we think about it, why is it that the men are the ones always expected to do grand gestures and why not the women? It would also be a good lesson to our kids, especially to our son that it is also okay for the opposite sex to initiate because men like to feel special too!
Let’s not be bitter.
Can you imagine how many people posted about Valentine’s yesterday? My feed was filled with roses! It’s incredible how a lot of us cared so much of Valentine’s like it’s Christmas but what is more incredible is that there are also a lot of people who expressed their rage about this special day. Again, it’s okay to be anti- Valentine’s but I hope we’re kinder to each other. If all those photos make you want to vomit, just log off for a day or two, no one will judge you. Sometimes we really need to check ourselves and answer the questions: why is it that we are angry with the world? Is it because we want to be different or is it because we are envious?
One of the things Mike and I agreed on is that we will not be Grinches who steal Valentine’s. If people decide to greet us or show extreme enthusiasm about this day or any other holiday (even the ones they label ‘Hallmark Holidays’), we will make sure to reciprocate the love shown. We also need to respect other’s opinion and be happy for them.
My husband and I came to an amicable conversation as we both made peace with each other bringing with us some new learning such as:
- Respect the feelings of one another.
- Lower your EXPECTATIONS, increase your APPRECIATION.
- Do not be pressured to conform to society’s standards.
- Teach your daughters to be simple and content.
- Teach your kids about the real meaning of love.
- Don’t be angry with the world.
- Don’t be envious.
- Be kind to everyone even to the harsh.
- Don’t be worldly nor superficial.
Whatever you did yesterday or whatever your plans are in the future… whether it’s Valentine’s day or not, I hope we will always be reminded that God loves us and that it is our duty to love ourselves and love others.
The girl who almost gave up on love.